I opened my eyes, feeling groggy after a too-long afternoon nap.

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Something out of focus, too close to see without my glasses, dangled in front of me.

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It moved vertically. I almost went cross-eyed trying to keep my eyes on the strange, shifting blob.

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Then it spoke.

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I couldn't understand it, but it was a voice, I was sure of it. Or maybe Morse code of some kind. A rhythmic buzzing, but with inflection.

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Naturally, I angled my head away a little, so that if it were to drop, it wouldn't land on my forehead. What the hell was it? I wondered.

It moved up vertically, away from me, and made another string of sounds.

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Yes, definitely words. Squeaky, tiny little words. I strained to hear it as it buzzed on. Then, clear as day, I picked out one word.

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“Asshole!”

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Did this thing just call me an asshole?

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“What?” I said, feeling slightly self-conscious about speaking to a floating mote above my face.

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The thing moved upwards a little more, and my focus improved. A spider! I realised. But spiders can't talk.

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Regardless of the absurdity, it spoke again, waving its front legs as it did. “Asshole,” the spider repeated. Somehow, my hearing had tuned in to the frequency of the voice, just as my eyes had focused on the image. “Who the hell do you think you are?” it went on.

I was lost for words.

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“Don't just gawp at me, asshole. Answer my question,” it said.

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“Look,” I managed. “I’m not sure what the problem is, but I’m not an asshole.”

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The spider dropped an inch or two, making me flinch.

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“Piece of shit!” it yelled, such as it was able.

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It was at this point that I had had about enough.

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“What’s with the name-calling?” I asked.

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The spider came closer, completely out of focus.

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“I’m out here looking for a mate and I finally find one, only for you to swallow her down in your sleep, you stupid oaf. What am I to do now? Like I said: piece of shit asshole!”

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Yikes! So people really do eat spiders in their sleep. Oh, well…

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“Come a little closer,” I said, “I can't hear you.”

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I adjusted my head, leaning up a bit as it descended.

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Its buzzy voice was louder now. “You've got some nerve—”

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My head shot forward, mouth agape. I closed my lips and swallowed hard.

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Call me a piece of shit, will you? Now you and your lady can be turned into shit. Let’s see how you like coming out of my asshole.